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What's family to you?

Listen or read.

Illustrations included below.

You arrive on your life’s journey, at your first milestone of what the ‘Book of Life’ tells us each should be. And what should happen at each one.

The milestone we’re looking at here, is family.

So what’s family to you?

This question has been inspired by families and foundations, whether shaky or stable.

So, share our glasses and take a seat for a moment, if you’re not already sitting.

Because what I’m about to share might make you feel uncomfortable.

Know this is not the intention. Simply a space for reasoning and reflection ok.

Now. Consider these presuppositions in Neuro Linguistic Programming or NLP for short. This translates to ‘brain language programming’.

Because our brains have been programmed since birth, whether we like it or not. And presuppositions help keep us grounded.

So let’s look at some.

  1. We all have our own model of the world

Based on nature or nurture, we create an internal model to navigate and interpret our way through the world. Let’s remember and respect that, even when we don’t agree with someone else’s model.

 

  1. No Failure, only feedback

Feeling like we’ve ‘failed’ hurts! And if we re assess the situation after the hurt, there’s always a different perspective, giving feedback on how we can do something different next time. If we choose to.

  1. We are not our behaviour

Behaving a certain way, in a given situation doesn’t make us that particular behaviour. And when we separate a person from their behaviour, it helps us cut each other some slack. Goodness knows we need it!

  1. It's better to have choices

We always have a choice. Do what we’ve always done, and get what we’ve always got. Or make a different choice, for a different result. This helps us make decisions and gives us freedom of movement.

  1. When you point 1 finger at others, 3 are pointing back at you

This is more a reminder to notice when we’re pointing a finger and blaming others. If you can, be honest when considering those 3 fingers. Because focusing on your Self, is more within your control, than focusing on controlling others.

Alright, let’s define our ‘family’.

The word carries so much weight and expectations doesn’t it. Along with disappointments and drama because of these expectations!

It’s not all doom and gloom. Some families have more peace, others have more problems. Let’s take a look.

What causes these problems?

Well, it comes down to our family dynamics and what role we all play in ours. Compare family behaviours.

With dysfunctional roles, the parents or caregivers are categorized as:

·       The Addict, who is the ‘broken’ one.

·       And the Co addict who is the ‘fixer’ one.

The children, are categorized as:

·       The Hero, who is the perfect, ‘good’, does no wrong, high achieving one.

·       The Scapegoat, who is the imperfect, ‘bad’, black sheep, not enough one.

·       The Lost, who is the invisible, ‘quiet’, sensitive, ignored one.

·       And the Mascot, who is the funny, ‘cute’, immature, entertaining one.

We’ll look closer at functional families and roles in future wonderings.

For now, do you recognise any of these functions and roles in your family?

I certainly do in mine.

Chances are, that the behavioural patterns and roles have been more dysfunctional than functional.

Because dysfunctional family behaviours are way more common than you might think.

They’re out of balance.

So how do we change this?

Consider if your family is more of the drama or calmer kind.

Be honest with what it is too. This is just for you to notice.

If it’s more drama there’s often the drama triangle, triangulation and what we call zig zagging going on.

If you’re not familiar with these terms;

The drama triangle is where 3 main roles are present and each person involved maintains these roles which keeps the drama going.

In triangulation, the drama triangle is made worse by everyone talking to each other, but not. It’s done in a third-party way. Indirectly.

And zigzagging is just the sideways movements of it all, instead of anyone moving forward.

At first, it’s easy to react, deny, defend and blame the behaviours and roles you recognise.

Because I don’t know about you, but when I started to notice the things that disappointed me in my family, I fantasised about a scene, like that last supper picture I used to see in people’s houses. Where Jesus is standing in the middle of the table with his apostles either side of him.

Yeah. In my head I was gonna air all my grievances with each one, so we can all talk it out together. As if they’d just sit there and take it.

But I couldn’t be doing that. Because as much as my family are more of the calmer kind, in my fantasy, there really would be drama!

When needed, they don’t mess about.

And if I did that, I’d best tie my laces tight in advance, be prepared to jump over that table and run as if my life depended on it!

Can you imagine how that would go down in your own family?

It could backfire on you. And just because you might want to deal with certain things head on, others might not want or be ready to.

These things can’t be forced.

So here are a few more sensible options.

To get back in balance, we can remember our presuppositions:

·       People aren’t their behaviour

·       It’s better to have more choices and

·       When you point 1 finger at others, 3 fingers are pointing back at you

How about choosing the healthy family behaviours and characteristics you like?

Because sometimes, some healthy behaviours and characteristics are there. Just not in every family member.

Or if you don’t notice any, you can choose family that aren’t blood related, but still feel like family.

And when you imagine making a more sensible choice, what then, is family to you?

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